[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
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“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭