Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
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Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
how to have an accident 101
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Leaving the Barbers like
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.