“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Holy shit he’s back
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳