How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
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*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE