If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
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A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Have a lovely day 😊
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
O Wise One….
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.