My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
You Might Also Like
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I hope Alan is OK
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.