an octopus is just a wet spider
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[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles