[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
[at the general store]
me: one general please
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
(Electricians.)