no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
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me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts