My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
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Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!