[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.