My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
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new record!
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Guantanamo Bae
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I was bored.