she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
You Might Also Like
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire