Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
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My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?