We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.