Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
#SuperBowl
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Risking my life for fun.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
What is going on? 😅
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Y’all know who you are.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.