Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
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The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*