Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
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5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
good morning
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?