(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: