Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
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“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?