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WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.