white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
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honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Google Pay be like:
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.