I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
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Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……