If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
got so much cardio in today
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.