Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
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me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.