birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
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[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
SPLOOT
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you