It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
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future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Support your local cemetery
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
live, laugh, laundry.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge