Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.