Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
I’m not wrong
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.