Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
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You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads