Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
New favorite tiktok
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.