*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
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I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[on my way back to the posting caves]
this is how life feels
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses