Strange
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”