The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
A Short Story.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.