[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
an octopus is just a wet spider
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs