Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate