Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?