Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
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Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.