Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!