The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
courtroom exchange of the day
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.