My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.