911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
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The 6 types of sex
We decided to have money instead of children.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.