me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
You Might Also Like
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Respect
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Happy thanksgiving
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then