The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song