Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food