($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
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Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.