[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
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Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Unexpected Judgment
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”