Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
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If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.