I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
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Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.