If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
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[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Any refunds available?…
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
For the baby who has everything
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day